On the existence of giant bugs

The warmer Maryland weather apparently allows for the existence of very large bugs. Some of the spiders here are big enough for me to believe that someone is breeding tarantulas nearby and the babies keep escaping. Folks back home don’t believe me when I complain about the spiders, probably because I have serious arachnophobia and am prone to exaggerate the size and aggression of any individual critter. But really, we’re talking about bodies the size of nickels. And then legs. Fast, furry, nasty legs. These bastards explode when you smash them, but I can’t bear to get close enough to smash them because I’m scared they’ll either fight back or climb my legs. And that would make me die. So I blast the sons of bitches with the delightful neurotoxin that is a can of Raid and they twitch and die horrible and deserved deaths.

I sometimes find them in the laundry room or the family room, but for the moment they keep to the lower level of the house. They also congregate by the front door, probably looking for a way in – with enough of them, they could probably carry off the TV. Dave killed a few of them out front as we got home last night, because I couldn’t even get to the door with them sitting there with their too many legs and watching me with their freaky compound eyes. But now I need a plan, because I usually get home first, and I can’t exactly sit in my car and wait for Dave every night I see a spider by the door. I bought an extra can of Raid, thinking I could keep it in the car for that sort of emergency, but my car can get really hot in the summer, and I don’t think keeping an aerosol can in there is safe or wise. Maybe leave it near the door? Of course, then I am just asking for the irony of eventually finding a spider ON the can of Raid.

And it’s not just spiders. A gargantuan wasp made it inside the house yesterday. I’d post a picture of it but I don’t want to be liable for any panic attacks my dear readers may have as a consequence of viewing it. I could totally see a fight between that wasp and one of the “baby tarantula” spiders happening in a terrible horror movie.

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